My mother thought after that I was born, 26 jears ago, that I had to be the daughter of satan. Altough she not admits I know she still does...

In my first years I was so intelligent that the doctors thought I would become a genius. But unfortunately the older I got the more normal my level of intelligence became. But at a fysical level I was and always have been far above average. I never had a lot of friends, I just couldn't get along with other people it would always turn in an arguement or fight, and with me fysicaly hurting them and always getting the blame. My free time I mostly spend on climbing into trees, rooftops, or just making trouble, just everything to get a kick out of it.

Then highschool; from little rebel to criminal. Everybody was afraid, because they knew I was very violent and agressive. After just one year I started using drugs(14 years), with after one week having had used lsd it didn't take long or I was using everything. The 2 years after I became a drugsdealer and also started to sell stolen clothes, which partly I stole myself. It became worse and worse, I started beating people for fun and doing wapened assaults. Also it didn't take me long to find out what remarkeble effect speed had on my concentration, I always did my exams with speed, that's the way I have passed all of them. Speed takes away that so called fog in my brains and changes me from a complete idiot to a professor with a photographic memory.

After passing my exams(17yr) so easy I went to college where I left after a couple of months to become a...prostitute. As impulsive as I was/am I decided to go for the "big" money. But I couldn't keep it up to work their, and quited after a half year which after I had a very big break down. They gave me Prozac and Diazepam. After a few months I stopped with the medication and everything seemed to go well. Till I met a 20 year older men which I fell in love with and moved into his house. After just a few months his intentions seemed quit clear and I ended up again as a prostitute only this time giving the money to him. After a while I run away, back to my parents, I promised myself that I would go back to college and finish it.

And so I did and besides that I went working as a housecleaner to earn some money. But I just couldn\'t force myself to keep the job and ended again in the criminal world where the money was a lot better then any studentjob would pay. But at the end I graduaded(with again the help of speed)and after that it didn't take long for me to have my first real job which I had for exactly 3 months, before I quitted it. After that I had so many I quit counting them, I just couldn't hold on to them. There is no environment where I feel at home, everywhere and always I have felt like a stranger or alien, and how easy a task seems for others for me it feels like if I have to climb the mount everest. The last job I had was already 3 years ago now.

Since then I have completely grown into the criminal world. And I did so well, that I have moved far away to an other city in a rich neighbourhood where everybody thinks I\'m a succesfull businesswomen, well I have to admit I'm such a good actress that it really looks like that. Altough I don\'t use drugs anymore and I'm almost back to the legal world, I just can\'t get any peace in my head. Something drives me crazy, and believe me I have tried everything. A few years ago the psychiatrist diagnosed me with adhd, bordeline and boulimia. Since then I have tried everything from Ritalin till omega fishoils, but nothing seems to help. Concentrationproblems, sleepingproblems, memoryproblems eatingproblems, horrific moodswings and always searching for big adrelinekicks(traffic; sportcars, motorcycles).

And I didn't even mention the menpart, have you ever seen a lion hunt his pray?? That must be the way I go at work when it comes to finding a date. And if that\'s not bad enough I just have to cheat in relationships, I really can\'t stay loyal. It's quit a pitty that I always mess up because of my appaerence(people often think I\'m a model)I always seem to get the men I want. But when I have him then I\'m already bored and not interested anymore.

Altough I only mentioned the bad parts of my life, there are also a lot of fun and good ones because of my adhd. And this year I have changed in so many ways that for the first time in my life I see my adhd not as a curse but as a blessing. I will never use medicine again, I'm not going to destroy my body in order to fit in the world of sheep!
I will always be too late, chaotic, unorganized, impulsive, searching for things I lost, daydreaming, not able to finish things I start, but the things which stand out for me are my energy, persistance, determination, high sensitive feeling(like a sixth sence), generousity, helpfullness, creativity, powerfull, iron-strong mentality, problemsolving capabilities AND THOSE THINGS MAKE ME SO PROUD TO HAVE ADHD!!!!!

I know it's quite a shocking story and maybe some of you will recognise a lot, and I hope it gives you a little bit of relief that your not the only one out there...

Take care,

Saphira

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